KILROY sketch comedy

Alex Levy
While Alex has always tried to make people laugh, he sometimes succeeds. Speling, ma+h, and le37 are none of his strong points, which explains why he failed out of grammar school at the age of 1A. After pursuing an unsuccessful career in mongoose herding, he began the next greatest adventure he'd ever undertaken: KILROY Sketch Comedy. It has been a perilous journey for "HFT." Not only has he had to evade the men who have been stalking him for some time, but he's even managed to bring the wrath of Khan down upon himself. Ask him how, and he'll be happy to kill you. He's a really nice guy.

Ryan Keough
Don't "be frontin" on this "gangsta" or he might have to do something about it. This "playa" was born and raised in Meriden CT, so he is used to the insane weather in Worcester. Some "fly honeys" say he has a really nice "grill" to "be all up in." Keough joined KILROY Sketch Comedy as an outlet for his "big pimpin" but he was quite dismayed to find it isnt "off the hizziie for shizzie." Honestly people I'm just throwing words out here.

Tim Jalbert
Tim was born in the prestigious town of Lewiston, Maine, and from an early age, he strove for excellence. He began to experiment with cocaine and LSD in the third grade, and eventually, he was expelled from school after biting his teacher in the leg. He took to the streets where he started a Hawaiian glam rock band called Punani. The band sold two copies of their debut album, Spaceship to the Poon, and was never elected into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. As of yesterday, Tim has 10 illegitimate children and one he’s not too sure of. Some of his hobbies include climbing trees, barking at dogs, drawing mustaches on faces in pictures, farting in elevators, and croquet. He is currently working on his platform for the 2012 Presidential Election.

Ryan Sinapius
What is there to say about Ryan Sinapius that has not already been said a thousand times over. I could tell you all how wonderful he is, but we all know that, or I can tell you all how funny and important he is to KILROY Sketch Comedy, SCP vicepresident 05-06, or how he has been director and producer of KILROY Sketch Comedy. Yes it is safe to say that he is KILROY Sketch Comedy, yup KILROY Sketch Comedy and Ryan Sinapius are so dependent on each other that sometimes I accidentally call KILROY Sketch Comedy Ryan, because when I think of KILROY Sketch Comedy I think of Ryan Sinapius. Ah Ryan Sinapius is very modest.

Sean Dyer
If it weren't for KILROY Sketch Comedy, Sean's head would have exploded by now. KILROY Sketch Comedy has portrayed Sean as many things: announcer, An evil villain, a police chief, a police officer, the Prussian U.N. representative, another police officer, a homeless guy, yet another police officer, a masochistic high school principal, a mime in Hell, and others.

Ben Isabella
Ben used to be called Jesus, until he cut his hair. With his flowing braids gone the only family he ever knew, a clan of rabid miscreant lemurs, evicted him from their comfortable abode located in Donald Trump’s toupee. Wandering the streets of New York was rough for Ben, so he eventually headed south for Florida, where it would be warmer, but he’s directionally challenged so in actuality he was going north-ish. Eventually Ben made it to Worcester where he was befriended, out of pity, by KILROY Sketch Comedy. And so to this day Ben follows KILROY Sketch Comedy, like a lost puppy nobody wants, and refuses to feed.

P.S. He's Emo, but we're pretty sure you could tell that.

Sara Dempsey
Ingredients list:

Mix 2 cups sugar, 1 cup spice and ľ cup everything nice in a large bowl. Add ˝ cup of bubblyness, a pinch of ADD and 2 cups kinkyness. Beat well with wire wisk until smooth then add powdered sass until desired consistency is reached. Bake at 350 for 45 minutes. Best when served hot with whipped cream and vodka.

Makes 1 serving. Not recommended for those with nut or cat allergies.

J'aime Grace MacFall (better known as "slut")
Hi, I'm jaime, I play all the sluty roles in KILROY Sketch Comedy, you may remember me from such great moments as "mattresses" where I got to prance around in my pj's, or "70's Dance Fight" where I got to wear half a shirt and shake my "humps" and "lovely lady lumps" I also starred in "lamaze class" where I was featured spreading my legs, in stage fright I was given an excellent bit where my ass took up a 30 second frame while it was molested by one brandon vogels hand all from the a-term show, 2004. Since then I have done many similar roles to numerous to count. Other noteable things about me: I'm pretty much the coolest person ever. That about sums it up! Have a great day!

Francis Song
Francis crash landed with the other Autobots in the Great Ark during the Great War but picked up a human disguise instead of cars or planes. Tired of the endless fighting, he chose to support humans through KILROY Sketch Comedy. He loves to make good people laugh and bad people cry. In the words of Shaft, "He may take you down, but he'll never let you down." To put his interests in one sentence, he's a funny, flying, Orientation-Leading, alternative rocker of color who likes the color blue. Look for him at this week's party. Life-sized action figures to follow at your nearest Toys 'R Us.

Daniel Caron
Anyone remember that fool “Party Boy” who harassed the freshmen class of 2007? He’s back. Inspired by an atrocious sense of humor and absolutely no life, Daniel Caron aspires to be a stand-up comedian. Frequently mistaken as “goth” or “emo,” he’s quick to remind you that he is an individual and those kinds of people piss him off. He enjoys curling the sand between his toes at the beach and crying in the fetal position.

Tom Rosborough
Tom Rosborough is a former three sport captain who has taken the lessons he learned on the field, leadership, team unity, etc, and applied them to KILROY Sketch Comedy. What Tom lacks in overall physical abilty, meaning size, speed, strength, etc, he makes up with one thing: heart. No one tries harder than Tom Rosborough, and that is why he will always lose.

Brandon Vogel
"That's right Joe, it's bound to be an exciting match. This telecast brought to you by Xyience. And now we go to the veteran voice of Alden Hall, Bruce Buffer."

"The man to my right is a Sketch Comedy Veteran, with a record of 9 wins, 16 losses, and 2 draws. He holds a black belt in Dice Clay Standup and is currently just four classes and an MQP away from holding a BS in Mechanical Engineering. In the red corner, fighting for KILROY Sketch Comedy out of Worcester Massachusetts, please welcome Brandon "Vag-Glasses" VOOOOOOGEL!"

Chris Gilmore
Chris is known to other KILROY Sketch Comedy members as New Calvin, Gilly, or just Gilmore. He is one of the new and improved members of the group seeking total control and power. Gilmore, who is always crying in the shower, gives away free food at the campus center often so he serves as a pillar to this rag tag group of mischief makers. He enjoys rocking it out on the keys and JP8000 with friends because Chris is also secretly a rock star.

Eric Pope
Lovingly referred to as "Pope" by his friends and peers in KILROY Sketch Comedy, Eric started life out on a much sadder, uncomedic note than one would wonder for a sketch comedian. Born while his roadie mother was on the road with Hall and Oates, Pope developed an unhealthy fetish for bad perms and moustaches. To this day, hearing "Your Kiss is on my List" gets him all hot and bothered. With the death of Hall and Oates in the late 80s, Pope was freed from his indentured servitude and began his training with Master Hiroshi in the hills of northern worcester. What sort of training has yet to be determined. Also, he would like to remind everyone that since he turned 18, he is no longer to be referred to as an "animal molestor." He has paid his community service and would like everyone to move on.

Eric Mill

Every time you look his way

Rain and clouds just melt away

If you hold your head perfectly still

Clarity comes with Eric Mill

Bill Lazzaro

Massachusetts Number:
S86087303
Date of Birth:          Class:       Height:     Sex:
06-06-1982              DM           5-08        M
Expires:
06-06-2008
LAZZARO
William H
590 Paine Rd
North Attleborough, MA
02760-4456

Hilary "La la la, I'm a girl" Hayes
After a brilliant year and a half with KILROY Sketch Comedy, Hilly's career as a comedian was tragically cut short in March of 2003 when she found out she was the long lost sister of Matt Mara and therefore not funny at all. She immediately left the country and spent months drowning her sorrows at Irish bars in Venice. She sobered up long enought to move to Maryland and work for NASA, resolving to dedicate the rest of her life to electrical engineering and being lame. And making babies. Then one fateful day she started drawing stick figures on the DC metro and the Pac-man Jesus Fish was born. Hilly immediately flew home, pitched the idea of a comedy festival at WPI, and reclaimed the couch at Bill and Fourty's place. She still makes babies but they are much funnier now.

Kyle Del Bonis
Bone, Boner, Del Boner, Kyle. These are some of the names the enigma that is Kyle Del Bonis will respond to. When he's not trying to make sense out of his meaningless existence, he's either yelling at it, or making fun of it. He keeps a freshly updated list of cool things he'd like to do, but never gets the chance to do them; he plays video games all the time, but still always loses at Street Fighter; he's a cool guy, but he's always hot; he scored higher on his verbal, but goes to WPI: and that's the good news. The bad news is that his last name will forever be referred to as a euphemisn for an erect penis.

Michael Fortier

Matt Mara
Matt is so funny that he is not funny at all, in an ironic sort of way.

Amanda Delaive
When she's not knitting toaster cozies, this senior MIS major can be found at a computer frantically searching for a job.
Also, she likes kittens.

Joey Havelick
My friends in high school always said that I'd be working either for the government developing the latest in ultra-balistic flesh eating weapons, or against the government developing the latest in ultra-balistic flesh eating weapons. They kicked me out of ROTC, so I wasn't given much choice but to join KILROY Sketch Comedy. If you go to the show, one piece of advice; sunscreen. Lots and lots of sunscreen.

Tyler Ames
Often blinded by his incomprehensibly handsome poise, many fail to see the numerous other idiosyncrasies which give Tyler good cause to merit the title "Best Person Ever." When not fighting crime, poverty, or AIDS, Tyler can often be found at the local orphanage, fighting the waifs. In fact, it isn't easy nowadays to not associate the phrase "orphan fighting" w/ the name Tyler Ames.
He also likes double negatives and pizza.

Walid Khoury
After thoroughly supplanting Tyler “Handsome Jerk” Ames for the “Best Person Ever” title, Walid decided to let him have it, because he's just that nice. Walid has never really attempted to fight crime, poverty, or AIDS; in fact, he can be often found distributing bags of AIDS on the street, but only to jerks that deserve it.

And so, his loyal and loving accomplices wrote him a Haiku of caring:

Walid our Mex-can
Praise unto his hands that make
Finest Falafel

Haz Harrower
Once an accomplished theatre person, Haz has thrown all formal training to the wind and cast herself into the debauchery known as sketch comedy. Giving up her childhood dreams of becoming a cocktail waitress on a riverboat casino in Louisiana, she has instead decided to major in chemistry and waits for an opportunity to bring her old Catholic schoolgirl uniform (which she indeed kept!) out of retirement. There are several stories behind the name 'Haz," and if you're not all persnickety, you may be lucky enough to hear one.

Heather Burkart
You'll never see Happy without a smile on her face, which is obviously why everyone calls her Happy. Her real name is generally unknown, but if you are fortunate enough to be entrusted with it (or happen to have read the title of this blurb), consider yourself privileged. She enjoys smiling, laughing, and causing trouble (which of course ends up in lots of smiling and laughing).

Kevin Timlin
I'm in a metal band, wear dark clothes, dislike many types of people, and am studying biotech for my own reasons that are not suspicious or cruel to animals or anything else whatsoever (cough). But don't get me wrong, I still want a pretty pony for my birthday just like everyone else. That is what everyone else wants too right?

Chris Korzeniowski
Chris's sense of humor is best described as warped, juvenile or dry. He is a freshman in Electrical and Computer Engineering. Chris comes from Western Mass and thus is used to the insane weather in Worcester.